Hey, Jackie Schimmel, You're My BFF in My Head

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For Pretty In My Head’s first official Best Friend In My Head …

The honor (or horror) goes to Jackie Schimmel! If you’re not familiar with her comedic stylings, please check out her Podcast and Blog The Bitch Bible.

I absolutely refuse to refer to any human or living thing as a goddamn spirit animal, but Jackie Schimmel comes pretty close.  I found her podcast from listening to another podcast, Straight Up With Stassi (I’m a slave to practically everything on Bravo).  For those of you who have more of a life than I do, Stassi is on Vanderpump Rules. She will be making an appearance on my list soon. Sorry, Stassi.

Qualifications, you say?

Oh yes, I’m afraid there are strict qualifications (which change often and may be different in an hour) to check into my brain as a made up best friend. 

First, please talk like a sailor.  I mean this to the fullest extent of the definition.  At any given moment of the day, I am already asking myself, “what the f**k am I doing”, so at the very least, I require others not to squirm at the sound of the proverbial F-bomb or any iteration thereof.

And lastly do not take yourself too seriously. At all!  If you do, it’s over.  Dead to me!

Jackie Schimmel fits into both of these so well. 

Dear Jackie, you are my first announced Best Friend In My Head, because of the following: 1. you will have a shiv at the ready if you’re eating fast food with someone who orders a hamburger protein-style; 2. every time Olivia Culpo eats a hamburger; and 3. that you love your dog so much that you contemplate bestiality and you want to give birth to him. I actually get that - and never could adequately articulate my insane love for my cat and dog until you spoke those words.  Thank you oh wise one. Xoxo.

LYLAS,

Eve Slaughter